Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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