what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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