i permit you to call me
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
