I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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