we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i dont even know how to be here
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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