if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
