Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
