At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
