She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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