Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Randomize
