so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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