I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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