bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
