I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i love accidental penises.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
