He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
and she was petting her beer can
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
