He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
