My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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