i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
