we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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