Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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