If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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