The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
