Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Did I show you my penis last night?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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