Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
