i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
