Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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