I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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