I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
