We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
