Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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