you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize