Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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