if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Randomize
