She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
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