The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Houston, we have a blender
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
