I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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