my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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