When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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