cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
