i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
True strength comes from lack of pants
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
