sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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