i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
