My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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