thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
