I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Randomize
