Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
