There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
After tacos, we're chasing women.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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