Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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