last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
i drank out of a bidet.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
