barbara walters just said penis...
I could make wine with my vomit
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Randomize
