There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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