R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
