Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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