My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
