you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
my being single is dangerous.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
