Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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