she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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