just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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