No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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