I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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