so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
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