he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
