P.S. I can't hear my feet
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
