Nicole vs. Life
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
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